my body is being cruel

So since Thursday I have wanted to express my disdain for my body, my loss and my frustration about sucky life situations. My computer on the other hand couldn't care less and the words have been pounding around my brain since then.

On Thursday afternoon I finally made it out of my bed and into the shower. My husband was kind enough to get a nanny for the kids, I was a mess and well, still am... and at least they were being watched by an adult. In the shower it happened, my milk came in. I must say it hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks. The Dr. mentioned it might happen and gave me pills just in case it did so it could dry up. I guess I was hoping with all my heart my body would give me this one break. It just seems cruel. My body is going through the 'messy' part of having a baby and now my chest is going through one of the most wonderful parts of having a baby, but I don't get to have the baby. The pills also don't work fast, at least not fast enough for me.

I find myself angry, truely angry most of the time. i worry about my frustration effecting my children. My sweet littles ask a lot of questions. I try to be strong but I cry with most of my answers. Brad just wants to move on. Oh to be 5 and just be able to say, I'm over it and don't want to talk about it anymore. When he said it to me the other night I just hugged him tighter and cried on his little shoulder. At some point my sweet little Brad, I know that we all will be able to move on, not forget, but mommy wont cry so much.