my body is being cruel

So since Thursday I have wanted to express my disdain for my body, my loss and my frustration about sucky life situations. My computer on the other hand couldn't care less and the words have been pounding around my brain since then.

On Thursday afternoon I finally made it out of my bed and into the shower. My husband was kind enough to get a nanny for the kids, I was a mess and well, still am... and at least they were being watched by an adult. In the shower it happened, my milk came in. I must say it hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks. The Dr. mentioned it might happen and gave me pills just in case it did so it could dry up. I guess I was hoping with all my heart my body would give me this one break. It just seems cruel. My body is going through the 'messy' part of having a baby and now my chest is going through one of the most wonderful parts of having a baby, but I don't get to have the baby. The pills also don't work fast, at least not fast enough for me.

I find myself angry, truely angry most of the time. i worry about my frustration effecting my children. My sweet littles ask a lot of questions. I try to be strong but I cry with most of my answers. Brad just wants to move on. Oh to be 5 and just be able to say, I'm over it and don't want to talk about it anymore. When he said it to me the other night I just hugged him tighter and cried on his little shoulder. At some point my sweet little Brad, I know that we all will be able to move on, not forget, but mommy wont cry so much.

heartbreak at 18 weeks

On Tuesday the 13th of December I went in for my normal 18 week ob appt. We weren't scheduled to have an ultra sound but I ask for for on the try and determine the sex of my sweet little baby before Christmas. As per always, Wayne was away but since nothing has been out of the ordinary, what did it matter... After taking my weight, asking if i had been feeling the baby move we went into the room where I was the lie down and lift my shirt. My heart raced with anticipation. The gel was oozed on and there was my sweet baby, lying still, too still. The dr said, this doesn't look good. I asked, wheres the heartbeat? She softly said there wasn't one. I went numb. How could there be no heartbeat? My heart felt as if it too were going to stop. A few measurements were taken and the baby looks to have stop living shortly after my 14 week appt, but how could that be? I have had no cramping, no bleeding, I have even felt 'her' move. The dr then checked me cervix, it too was closed and my body had no idea my sweet baby had passed away. We again moved back into her office. She asked if my husband was here, I told her he was in Cape town and not expected back until Wednesday night at the earliest. She informed my that i would need a D&C. And that I would need it in the morning. What the crud it that!!! That is something not heard of in my family, miscarriage, d&c, that all has to be a huge nightmare that i will wake up screaming from in a few minutes.

I told the dr I need to call my husband and excuse my self to my car to cry on my own. She then reminded me that I will need to come back in and fill in the paper work and be admitted for tomorrow. As I walk out the office now full with very pregnant women and some that are coming for a first time appt I try and hide my already swollen eyes and blotchy face and avoid any direct contact. I make it to me car and lost it. My husband can hardly understand my blubbering. I manage to get out the babies heart had stopped and need him to come back tonight. Which of course since he and his partner choice to drive to cape town and are now in the middle of the Karoo make it even more of a feat.

Still in shock I return to the drs office begin the paper work to have surgery in the morning. I am a mess and trying to hide it all from the other patients in the office, I fail miserably but I still try. Then I am sent down to pre-admissions, all alone I have more paperwork to fill in, more questions and a deposit to pay. I know hospitals have to make money, but right now my heart is breaking and they want my money. They day just gets harder. I leave the hospital and drive, I'm not ready to go home. My sweet happy children are expecting to know it they are getting a brother or a sister and now, what can I say.... My sweet hubby arranges for the kids to go to a friends. I am not coping well. I pack them a bag and try to avoid talking about the appt as best as I can. I pull it all together drop them off at a friends and head home to cry and scream and reflect on not knowing. Not having and inclination that 'she' had passed. Why was my body still being pregnant? I have so many questions, so much to research. This is all for foreign. This is all so wrong. for 18 weeks I have loved this baby, 18 weeks we as a family talk to the baby tell 'her' stories sing 'her' songs and now she is just gone.

The kids slept over at a friends since we had to check into the hospital at 6am. It was a sleepless night full of tears and what ifs. maybe my baby was just playing freeze tag and showing us how good she is at it. Grasping at straws, but what else can I do. This just can't be happening.

The hospital is brand new and set up to look like a high end hotel. Not that it helped my heartache but at least we were comfortable. The staff was kind as the flow of tears from me were never ending. When is was my turn to be taken into theatre Wayne and i asked a lot of questions. I was in too much disbelieving yesterday to even think straight. We asked if we would be able to find out the gender, the dr wasn't optimistic but said she would try, We asked about what would happen to the baby, the idea of her being label and thrown out as medical waste kills me and still does. The dr said we would not want to see the baby, she was already decomposing and shriveling up. In the end we were unable to determine the sex, for now we are sticking with 'her'' 'It' is to impersonal and she is and will always be a member of our family.

I feel hollow inside, empty, I know I have three wonderful children that complete me in ways that no one else can and in time the hollowness with shrink. Today I want to remember these last three days. I don't want to forget. I never want her to think she will ever be forgotten. She will be given a name. I don't know it yet, but as a family she will get her perfect name. Love you my sweet angel and can't wait to hold you and raise you in the hereafter for time and all eternity. Til we meet in Heaven, know that I love you. I will never for get you and know you will be my constant companion. All my love forever, Mommy

Bethia turns 8!

December 11th 2010, this sweet, beautiful, intelligent little girl turned 8 years old. She decided to be baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a special day this was for her and for the rest of our families.

She was baptized at 11:00 am on Saturday the 11th of December. And since we are still residing in Hillcrest South Africa, she was baptized in the Hillcrest Chapel.

Bethia asked that our Bishop, Bishop Wiblan baptize her. It was a very beautiful and special ceremony. We were blessed to have her Nana in attendance as well as lots of members of our ward which have become as close to family for us here as anyone. We have such amazing friends who are willing to sacrifice their time to be with us.This is my sweet girl after her baptism. Thanks to Nana, she had this beautiful dress. She is such a doll.

Bethia, I am so proud of you. I am proud of your choices, your spiriuality, your knowledge of our Savior and His sacrifices for us and why baptism is so imprtant. You are an amazing example to your brothers as well as your parents. I love you very much. I am glad you choice to be a part of our family. Nothing will ever change that.